There are several things that keeps us from receiving the love we deserve. For instance, most of us weren’t shown how to have great relationships by our parents or taught how to be in a healthy, loving, and fulfilling relationship. We go into relationships without the proper tools to connect, communicate, and relate. In addition to that, many of us have this old junk we carry around from relationship to relationship. Old pain, unconscious belief systems, and even self-sabotage hold us back – circling in relationship patterns and unfulfillment, preventing us from creating that long-lasting relationship we crave.
So, what can we do?
Address the old pain and stories in your head. We all have these stories of longings, heartaches, and heartbreaks. Those unrequited crushes and failed relationships can really cause us to be fearful of getting into another relationship. Deeper than that, they feed this story that I believe we all have – “I am not worthy of love.” It isn’t true of course, but I have yet to meet one person who didn’t have this underlying belief running through the basement of their mind. This belief causes us to either desperately try to prove it’s not true or validate it is through the relationship scenarios we attract. You can set the baseline higher by noticing all the wonderful things you bring to the table. If you need help figuring those out, ask someone who cares about you. Notice the moments you were loved fully, even if those relationships didn’t work out. Track those pain points and old stories as far back as you can so you can heal and shift them. Several years ago, I noticed I had a pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable men. I journaled about that and decided to investigate how far back that went in my timeline. Earliest memory? My dad. The story ran so deep I didn’t notice it until I put that pattern under the microscope. Once I was able to see it, I was able to shift it.
Also, notice the stories that don’t serve you in relating. “All the good ones are taken” “Guys are only interested in one thing” and “Women are manipulators” are examples of common cultural stories that get handed down from generation to generation and are reinforced by our culture through things like TV. Break through those the same way you’d break through the old pain. How do you find out which ones you believe? Listen to the words coming out of your mouth (and in your head) and challenge them – are they true? That’s the key.
Speaking of stories – blame, shame, and regret are also indicators that you have a belief that you are somehow “less than” or “unworthy” and are the biggest blocks to moving forward in life. These are a good sign that you could use a little more forgiveness and love for yourself. It’s time to stop hurting yourself. Life is challenging enough. Find ways to let that go.
Finally, relationship tools are fairly easy to come by. For those of us who feel like we’re “growing apart” after a period of time – most of that can be course corrected with the right tools. Things like how to communicate, connect, choose each other, and commit deeply are all things that can be learned. We can read how to have better sex, discover ways to grow closer through creative date ideas, and learn how to grow closer through challenges (and even conflict).
Discovering the stories in your head, letting go of old pain and past hurts, and learning ways to relate more deeply and effectively will help you get the love you want and DESERVE.